Material Monster

Because most teens have not had the experience of getting to the end of the money before the end of the month, the words, “I can’t afford it,” have little or no meaning.

Here’s what can happen in lots of homes:

“Mom, can I get a new (fill in the blank)?”

“No, honey, I’m sorry, but we can’t afford it.”

“But mo-mom. Everybody else has one!”

“No, we can’t afford it.”

“But mo-mom, (lots of words involving hassling and bugging).”

“We can’t afford it!”

Repeat this process a few times and here’s what you get:

“Alright, you can have it, just this once. But don’t ask for anything else!”

Yeah, right.

What the kid learns is that what “we can’t afford it” really means is I just haven’t bugged and hassled enough.

Here’s a very concrete way to teach kids about money, where it all goes, and what “we can’t afford it” really means.

This one can work for kids middle-school age and above.

Parents, take your next paycheck to the bank and have it cashed in all one dollar bills. (The bank tellers are going to just love me!) Bring it home and call a family meeting. On the kitchen table, make a pile of all the ones. Then separate all the household bills into their own separate pile. For each bill, (house payment, car payment, braces, health insurance, electric bill, etc.) count out the one dollar bills and place them in the appropriate pile.

In this way, kids get to see a very clear visual picture of where the money goes. It gives them a context for understanding “we can’t afford that right now.”

All of these suggestions and techniques serve to teach teens about the successful management of money in their lives. Come to think of it, these suggestions could be useful for grown-ups as well.

Visit ParentingYourTeenager.com for tips and tools for thriving during the teen years. You can also subscribe to our f*r*e*e 5 day e-program on The Top 5 Things to Never Say to Your Teenager, from parenting coach and expert Jeff Herring.

Being a stay-at home Mom is rewarding and we all love being around our babies and children, but let’s face it, we all need some alone time and some adult interaction. Forming bonds with other mothers in the same situation is a great way to get validation and build long-lasting relationships. Your circle of new Moms should try to get out to do something fun together at least once a month. Hire a babysitter or get Dad involved so that you can take a break and have some much deserved time to yourself. Here are some fun ideas to do with your friends:

1) Go to the Spa. Schedule a package deal for your group at a local spa for a massage, facial and manicure or any combination of these things. All Moms can use a little pampering and this is a great gift to give yourself. A less expensive option would be to buy manicure kits, nail polishes, etc. and set up a relaxing spa atmosphere in someone’s home where you give each other manicures.

2) Have a Bunco night. Bunco is a dice game that is all the rage for groups of 12 or more people (4 people per table/group). The official bunko rules and instructions on playing can be found online at www.worldbunco.com. Of course, food and drink are a must at bunko parties so have everyone bring a little something to share.

3) Have a progressive dinner night. Each one of the women in the group hosts a part of the dinner at their home - one for appetizers, one for the main course, one for dessert and then the final stop for drinks.

4) Have a game night. You can play group party games such as Cranium, Catch-phrase, Pictionary, Outburst or Taboo. There are so many great games out there so find some that appeal to the tastes of your group and don’t be afraid to try something new.

5) Go out to a dinner theater. Many cities have local dinner theatres where you see a musical show and eat dinner. Check your newspaper or local phone book for a location in your area.

6) Throw a pool party or backyard barbecue. Fun in the sun is a great way for the women in your group to kick back and relax.

7) Have a dessert night. Each mom brings her favorite dessert to share. What woman doesn’t have a sweet tooth?

Go bowling. Most bowling alleys have open bowling on the weekends and even some weekday evenings. Be sure to call and reserve the number of lanes that you’ll need for your group and double-check to see what evenings or days have open bowling.

9) Go to a movie or watch a DVD at someone’s home. This would be the perfect time to see one of those “chick-flicks” that you’ve been wanting to watch. Crying and laughing with your girlfriends is a great way to bond.

10) Outdoor activity like biking, canoeing, walking in the park, etc. Mom’s often don’t have time to exercise and having buddies to “workout” with is a great way to get motivated.

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My 12-year old Amy is my perfect child. She cares about neatness and being responsible. Being a Peaceful Parent with her is easy. But my 10-year old daughter Rebecca is my challenge. She has been diagnosed ADD, is chaotic, irresponsible, messy and forgetful. I try to help her, making lists, insisting she empty her school back pack with me. I’ve been using another parenting process called Love & Logic but it is not working. Please help!

It is easy to parent a child who has similar pictures to our own. It sounds like you and Amy share similar ideas about how orderly and neat your environment and scheduled life should be. Because you share similar pictures, there is very little conflict between the two of you.

It sounds as though Rebecca has different pictures from yours. What you describe as messy and chaotic does have order and patterns. But the order and patterns are what suits Rebecca’s pictures. Her sense of order and patterns are different from your own. Believe it or not, Rebecca probably sees you as her challenge! You want things a certain way, and this is a different way from how she wants things. From her perspective she is probably feeling as though she constantly has to accommodate and change to suite you. When you ask her to make lists and empty her back pack as an attempt to help, Rebecca may not feel helped. Instead she may feel criticized and bossed into changing so you feel better. From Rebecca’s point of view your orderly life probably feels rigid.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that your ideas and pictures about life are wrong. Neither are Rebecca’s. You just have different ideas about how chaotic, orderly, listed or free-flowing your lives should be. Neither of you are right or wrong. You simply have different ideas.

What you need to do is to work together to create ideas that you both can live with. This means that life may be messier than you would like and more rigid that Rebecca would like. You are both going to need to compromise to accommodate each other’s style and point of view.

Start with the most important aspect of your complaint list. Is it the mess in the shared family space that you have to deal with that you would most like to change? Find a time during the week when you, Rebecca, Amy and any other members in the household can have a meeting. At this time tell your daughters that you want to come up with an agreed upon picture of how you each want family room to look. Listen to everyone’s point of view. Include your own ideas as well. Then ask the girls to work with you to come up with an agreed upon understanding of how the room will look so that you can all live with it and agree to it’s condition. Then come up with a plan for how you will achieve this. Ask each girl how you should handle it if she leaves her stuff dropped in a heap. Ask the girls what you should do if you find dirty dishes left behind. In other words, anticipate the potential difficulties and work out a plan to handle these problems ahead of time. Plan for a follow-up meeting a week later. Continue this process for as long as it takes until you are all feeling successful about your plans and achievement.

In addition, give Rebecca her own space to keep in the condition she wants (within reasonable limits). In other words, don’t insist that she keep her bedroom completely picked up and spotless with her bed made, all toys put away, etc. This just isn’t her style. If you allow her space of her own to keep in the order/chaos that suits her she will be more willing to work with you and the family and maintaining the family’s idea of order in the family room.

When you feel tempted to make lists for Rebecca, ask her if she wants your help first. Then ask her if you making lists for her is helpful. If she is having difficulty forgetting assignments, library book returns, etc, ask her if she needs your help in solving the problem. Ask her what her plan is for solving the problem. List making may be a solution that works for you, but it may not be Rebecca’s style or plan. However, this does not mean that you don’t intervene at all. Simply ask Rebecca for direction in how you can help her.

Finally, I beg of you to stop labeling Rebecca as your challenge and Amy as your perfect child. I’m sure it is not your intention, but by comparing the girls where one comes out on top the other will perceive herself on the bottom. Just imagine that one of your girls told you that her father was the perfect parent and you were the challenging, difficult parent. How would you feel? Rebecca is different from Amy. She is no less perfect!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Nancy S. Buck, Ph.D. established Peaceful Parenting, Inc. in 2000 to bring her knowledge and experience with effective parenting to the greatest number of parents and other caretakers of children. She developed the Peaceful Parenting® program from her 25 years of experience as a developmental psychologist, trainer and educator with The William Glasser Institute and as the mother of twin sons. Her genuine, warm and authentic teaching style is clear and concise, helping learners move from the theoretical to real life situations.

http://www.peacefulparenting.com

Improve your family - Improve your world

“Fall seven times, stand up eight.”
-Japanese Proverb

One of the keys to functioning socially and emotionally is the ability to deal with disappointment and rejection.

Most children experience some type of rejection from their peers throughout childhood. One study found that even popular children were rejected about one quarter of the time when they approached children in school.

Most children recover from such rejection. They move on and form constructive, worthwhile relationships but some children need help. They often take rejection personally and blame themselves. As a parent it is useful to challenge children’s unhelpful thinking and encourage them to look for new friendship opportunities. Parents can help children understand that rejection may happen for any number of reasons that are unrelated to them.

In the course of a school day children will meet with a number of challenges and even setbacks. They may struggle with some schoolwork. They may not do well in a test and they may not be picked for a game that they wanted to play. Children grow stronger when they overcome their difficulties. The challenge for parents is to build and maintain children’s confidence to help them get through the rough times.

One way to help children deal with rejection and disappointment is to talk through a problem or difficulty recognising and accepting their feelings. Talk about various scenarios around the incident, discussing possible outcomes. The age of the child will determine the amount of detail. Keep things simple and avoid burdening a younger child with concepts he or she doesn’t understand.

Your attitude can make a huge difference to how a child reacts. If you see rejection or disappointments as problems then your child will be hamstrung by this view. See them as challenges then your child will, in all likelihood, will pick up your upbeat view and deal with disappointments easily. After all, confidence is catching!

To help children handle rejection and disappointment try the following four strategies:

1. Model optimism. Watch how you present the world to children, as they will pick up your view. If you think that they can’t handle this setback then you are right - they probably won’t. Kids take their cues from their parents so make sure you have a positive explanatory style.

2. Tell children how you handle disappointment and rejection. Not only is it reassuring for children to know that their parents understand how they feel but they can learn a great deal by how their parents handle situations.

3. Help children recognise times in the past when they bounced back from disappointment. Help them recognise those some strategies can be used again.

4. Laugh together. Humour is a great coping mechanism. It helps put disappointment in perspective. It helps them understand that things will get better. They always do.

Now take this brief resilience test about your child.

How resilient is your child?

Does he

1. Bounce back when things go wrong? Yes 2 No 0

2. Rationalise disappointment and rejection rather than take it personally? Yes 2 No 0

3. Take a positive view when challenges come his way? Yes 2 No 0

4. Pat himself on the back when he does something well? Yes 2 No 0

5. Let little things spill over and spoil other parts of his life. Yes 0 No 2

Score:

10: A resilient child. He bounces back up when things don’t go his way.

6-8: A hardy soul.

0-4: Probably too hard on himself. Need some help to lighten the load.

Michael Grose is a popular parenting educator and parent coach. He is the director of Parentinginc, the author of seven books for parents and a popular presenter who speaks to audiences in Australian Singapore and the USA. For free courses and resources to help you raise happy kids and resilient teenagers visit http://www.parentingideas.com.au

As new parents, we all want what’s best for our babies. There are so many things to worry about, not the least of which are colds, allergies, sleeping through the night, and keeping their delicate skin soft and moisturized. So, you ask, what can I do to help with all of these dilemmas? The answer is a product that is little-known to the general public, called under carpet heating, which eliminates several problems with your traditional forced air heating systems that can result in all of these concerns and more.

Have you ever wondered why your children always have a cold or a runny nose? Your children spend most of their time very close to or on the floor. If you have ever laid down there with them, you may have noticed that it is much colder than a few feet higher, where we, as adults, are normally and may not notice as much. With traditional systems, heat is blown throughout the room, and it doesn’t even reach the floor, where your baby or toddler is. The reason being, heat rises, and before it can even reach the floor, it starts rising to the ceiling, leaving your babies considerably colder than the adults in the room. With electric radiant underfloor heating, you can completely eliminate this problem. The soothing heat radiates from under your carpet, gently warming your baby or toddler, keeping them more comfortable, warmer, and therefore healthier.

Allergies are another concern with many parents. Once again, your traditional heating systems can be a culprit. Forced air systems are constantly circulating dust, dander, germs, bacteria, mold, mildew, and other environmental troublemakers. Even with the most expensive filters available, you are still circulating all of these potential allergens and contaminates around your home. By simply closing off your central heating vents and heating with electric radiant floor heating, you reduce these risks greatly. With nothing to circulate all of these allergens, everything just simply settles, and you can easily rid your home of these problems by simply dusting and vacuuming regularly.

Another issue that we, as parents, wrestle with is getting our babies to sleep through the night. Research shows that when we are at an ideal body temperature, we sleep better. If your extremities are cold, inhibiting the free flow of blood, your sleep hormones fail to kick in, and restless insomnia prevails. Scientists also speculate that some sleep disorders may be caused by poor circulation and an inability to widen blood vessels in the hands and feet, which can be corrected with temperature regulation. With radiant heat, you have a quiet, soothing warmth that gently warms your baby throughout the night. The result being a restful, peaceful sleep throughout the night.

An additional downfall to forced air heating that radiant heating does away with is the drying of the air and in return, your baby’s skin. Forced air actually burns the air while it is heating it, removing most of its moisture content, causing your baby’s skin to dry out and chafe. Radiant heat does not affect the moisture content of the air, saving you from having to buy a humidifier and applying lotions that can often times irritate your baby’s skin anyway.

In conclusion, I am not saying that radiant heat is the answer to all of your problems or that forced air is evil. However, radiant heat is just another weapon that we, as parents, can put in our arsenal to combat some of the problems that we have had to endure for centuries (i.e. colds, allergies, insomnia, and skin care).

Author:
Ingrid Weir
Speedheat® US
For more information, visit http://www.speedheat.us or email at info@speedheat.us.